Sunday, July 23, 2017

Revisiting Roy "Chubby" Brown's U.F.O. The Movie, Fart 1 (NSFW)

In 1993, Polygram Video and some bloke called George Foster (not the baseball player) financed a shoddy straight-to-video spoof sci-fi film to capitalise on the underground popularity of blue comedian Roston "Roy 'Chubby' Brown" Vasey. It was as shit as you'd expect.

Well, that's my retrospective knee-jerk liberal literature-degree reaction, anyway. When I was about 12, and my dad bought it second-hand from Cash Converters, I thought its melting pot of lazy Star Trek gags, literal toilet humour, F-bombs and actual boobs was entertaining enough to sit through by choice a few times on custody weekends, and to describe enthusiastically to envious friends. Especially the bit where Chubby strains to push his baby out and a poo comes out instead, that absolutely cracked me up.

What's wrong with being immature? It didn't stop Monty Python becoming comedy gods. The film is unashamedly sexist, but it has characters point this out from the onset, so is it any worse than The Office? Could this even be an overlooked comedy classic?

I lasted five minutes. Maybe I'll continue if I'm in the mood for self-harming one afternoon. If someone chances across this blog around 2021 and comments "lol do more chubby!" I'll be compelled to continue.

VFX: Receding star field. The extended Star Trek homage prologue begins with sombre credits in blue Microgramma à la The Wrath of Khan, backed by an eerie score from Clever Music that owes more of a debt to Alien.

The most interesting insight is that the script was co-written by Chubby, producer Simon Wright and Richard Hall, who is that Rich Hall. It was directed by BAFTA winner Tony Dow, who oddly doesn't include it in his edited filmography highlights.

VFX: Starship orbiting the Earth, its twin-saucer design different enough from the Enterprise to avoid litigation. The model work by The Magic Camera Company isn't exactly ILM, but it's much too good to be in this film. If this had been made three years later, it would have been awful CGI.

CAPTAIN (V/O): Captain's Log, stardate: 2451739.2. We have travelled back in time to the 20th century. Our mission is to intercept an intergalactic battle cruiser heading towards Earth, hell-bent on altering the course of history. If we fail, mankind is fucked.

No sooner has this expletive left the captain's lips than his ship (presumably) splats onto the viewscreen/windscreen of said battle cruiser. Solo (Roger Lloyd Pack) activates the windscreen wipers and makes some shit Star Trek puns.

SOLO: Oh look, there's a 'Spock' on the windscreen. Lucky it wasn't a 'Klingon.'

ZOE: Solo!

SOLO: Captain.

The unannounced arrival of his commanding officer Zoe (Sara Stockbridge, one of the sadistic handmaidens who rubbed Chris Barrie's oily nipples in Red Dwarf) catches Solo off guard. She strides authoritatively across the bridge to berate him for his weak sense of humour, which doesn't take long to become hypocritical.

ZOE: If you persist with this juvenile behaviour, I will have you sent straight back to your home planet, Clitoris. Do you understand?

She stares intently at a light bulb for some reason.

SOLO: I thought we Clitorans were supposed to be the touchy ones.

ZOE: That's enough of your lip! Just do what Clitorans do best: keep your head down and stay out of sight until you're needed.

SOLO: Of course, Captain.

Their conversation than shifts awkwardly from innuendo back to the plot.

ZOE: I know you like to fool around, all Clitorans do. But not my Clitoran, and not on this ship. We are not here for our own amusement. We are here to do battle with a beast more barbaric than Attila the Hun. A fiend more foul than Vlad the Impaler. A sexist more savage than Sorog the Sadist...

SOLO: (Impatient to get back to the great genitalia jokes) Yes, captain, I think everyone gets the picture.

We see a galactic map, inappropriately and impractically labelled with Earth-centric constellations rather than alien star names. It pixellates into Chubby's handsome mug.

ZOE: His name is Roy "Chubby" Brown. I want you to try and remember the face. Because behind this disguise of a fat fool lies a genius. A man with a mind of awesome intellectual power. An Einstein who, in a single, cunningly constructed phrase, can destroy centuries of civilisation.

Cut to:

EXT: Country road, a van speeding along to jaunty music. Cut to an extreme close-up on our hero.

CHUBBY: Who's farted?

Chubby's friends/entourage react to the announcement and the stench.

BLOKE: (Desperately wafting) Eugh, Jesus Christ, he's right! Who's farted?

He opens the window to let in some precious air. Chubby is barely containing his amusement.

CHUBBY: Get your fucking head in, they'll think it's a cattle truck.

They all laugh at his joke.

BLOKE: (Sudden realisation) It's you, you fat bastard!

CHUBBY: Well, you know where to come if you want any fucking paint stripping done.

Chubby grins at his joke, then his countenance becomes more reflective and we're privy to his inner monologue on life, the universe and inaccurate racist observations.

CHUBBY (V/O): How did I end up with this shower of shite? Life's so unfair, isn't it? As Moses said to the Lord: 'What? The Arabs get the oil and we get the tips of our dicks cut off?'

A car horn honks. Another van pulls up alongside, crewed by women and emblazoned with the legend 'Pussy Galore.'

WOMEN: (Waving enthusiastically) Chubby! Chubby! Hi Chubs! (Etc.)

CHUBBY: [Something incomprehensible] to the right, lads!

The women moon. Their van is now completely stationary for safety reasons, but to be fair, most people wouldn't notice.

CHUBBY: Dirty slags, you could have washed your fucking arses!

The blokes laugh at his joke.

WOMAN: Do you fancy a wank then, Chubs?


WOMAN: Oh, can you drive with one hand?

CHUBBY: Oh, very funny. (He has the gall to say, followed by something incomprehensible about her mother)

BLOKE: Alright lads, return fire!

The blokes show their arses in the windows. The vehicle is moving this time, albeit slowly.

The women drive off, jeering and giving the 'wanker' sign. Who should drive up in their place, but...

A car full of nuns! Chubby is as bemused as everyone, then suddenly realises he hasn't been watching the road for ages.

CHUBBY: Oh, fuck!

A stunt driver vaults over a hedge and the vehicle comes to a bumpy landing, tragically with no fatalities.

Back on board the intergalactic battle cruiser, officer Ava (Amanda Symonds) is confused by what she's seeing. I'll take a moment to appreciate the detailing of what seem to be Star Trek-style rank pips above the eyebrows. The design work in general is better than the film deserved.

AVA: Something's wrong.

ZOE: What is it?

AVA: They're on to us. They're trying to avoid the tracking beam.

The console shows a simplstic diagram, either of the road or the "tracking beam" they didn't bother to animate into the previous scene.

ZOE: The man's a genius! How could he possibly have known? (She hails the intercom) Dotty?

DOTTY (V/O): (Lame and obvious Scotty from Star Trek impersonation) Aye, cap'n?

ZOE: Prepare the transporter immediately.

DOTTY (V/O): She cannae take it, cap'n! She's at full poo-er as it is!

The officers look at each other. I'm not sure what that facial expression is. Maybe unscripted shame.

To be continued...?

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